Sunday, 6 February 2011

Phone Fidelity

What has the world come to?
What would we do without phones? The answer for most people would be to break down and cry. This relentless weeping would then start a local flood around each person. These small quantities of water would add up to make a vast ocean, making the water levels rise exponentially, simulating what would happen when the polar ice caps melt. This consciousness of the inevitable apocalypse would only help to make people sob even more and increase the rate of rising waters. Eventually, the whole of the world will become one enormous ocean, forcing Wikipedia to change the title of its article about ‘Earth’ to ‘Ocean’. At least the fish will be happy.

The point I’m trying to make here is that the dependence of much of the human race on mobile phones is gigantic. We’re more dependent on phones than growing plants are dependent on sunlight. It’s absurd!

The modal age group is the teenagers, so obsessed that they probably wouldn’t notice if we stuck their hands to their phones with superglue. As long as the thumbs are free to move around to send pointless texts to supposedly important people, the gluing wouldn't be noticed. There’s an incredibly close relationship with teenagers and phones, but one that’s easily broken and replaceable with another relationship with another phone. Teenage phone fidelity is astonishingly low. The relationship with teenagers and mobile phone is like that of extremely shallow parents and a new born baby.

The first few weeks of a new phone is the most enjoyable for teenagers but most annoying for every other person they know. Like a baby, it is showcased to every single person in the world, its many talents being flaunted like everything else is somehow inferior. The shiny rectangle manages to climb to the top of the gadget hierarchy, clambering over the dated bricks that lay before it.

But the unrequited love soon decays into annoyance, as the phone/baby begins to show its true colours. It doesn’t do what it’s expected to do and it’s lost its initial charm. It’s become a dated brick, a useless lump of plastic and electronics, slowly driving the user insane. Before long, it becomes a major infuriation, making said teenager fume and anger whenever they need to use the phone. Texting has never been so annoying.

Then a miracle occurs. A new phone is advertised and there are so many gadgets, apps and general awesomeness surrounding this new chunk of electronic wizardry, it's just madness not to go out and buy it. The dated brick is thrown away without a thought as the new phone is quickly purchased, ready to begin the cycle once again.

Iphones are the worst at this. The times between each new model coming out can be measured accurately using milliseconds as the sheep-like public flit between overpriced shiny rectangles like girls trying to decide which dress to wear on a night out. You can never have a committed relationship with an Iphone, it’s just against my made up laws of physics. I reckon the phone infidelity rate is due to the microwave radiation of using the phone messing with the brain of the user, destroying the part of their brain that makes rational decisions, and this will increase disloyalty levels.

I must stress, the reference to relationships with phones in this article is purely metaphorical, no-one should be having a full blown romantic relationship with a phone.  Like using a multi-storey car-park to store dead bodies, it’s wrong on so many levels.

While you laugh uncontrollably at that last belly aching joke, I will continue planning my method of eradicating mobile phones from the world. After I buy my rubber dinghy in preparation for the aftermath.

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