Tuesday, 8 February 2011

Coffee - not my cup of tea

The deadly starter motor

Imagine a world without tea or coffee. It would grind to a halt. The morning zombie within us would roam free, it would never be destroyed by the magical elixir within hot beverages. Everyone would be wandering around like psychologically depressed gorillas, even more bad-tempered and grouchy than a teenager experiencing puberty. But not me.

Unlike much of the British population, my happiness does not reside within a brown bean growing in Latin America. My happiness diffuses into me directly from the air. I’m a beacon of optimistic sunshine amongst a tribe of pre-pubescent zombies. Despite my occasional rantings, I am an overall happy person but that happiness does not require a continuous supply of caffeinated drinks to keep it going.

Coffee and tea have become the starter motor, transforming us from our idle state to an energized state, until the caffeine runs out and we have to refuel. The state of mind seems to oscillate between manic depression and satisfactory joy. Whereas I like to keep my state of mind at satisfactory joy level, not straying above or below my line of comfort.

Also, I don’t particularly enjoy the way that the smell of coffee seems to attack your sense of smell like a lorry slamming into your nostrils at high speed. Once the odour reaches your brain, it starts beating the brain senseless in overwhelming torture. For most people, this attacks the part of the brain controlling sanity, making them enjoy the smell. The smell of petrol also affects some people in the same way. And you wouldn’t drink petrol, would you?

Coffee seems to be at the top of the beverages hierarchy, enjoying its place at the pinnacle by having ten thousand different cafes serving it as a specialty. Starbucks, Costa and many more are like the parents of a spoilt child, constantly assuming their child’s existence must be shared to everyone. And the public embrace this by consuming it in excessive amounts. We’re like thirsty decaffeinated sheep.

Their popularity is fuelled by the addictive properties of caffeine. I reckon that there should be ‘Caffeine Cafes’ which sell caffeine tablets with differing strengths, to drive the coffee shops out of business. It means our sense of smell will return to normal as we reduce the inhalation of toxic coffee gases.

Or we could selectively cull members of the public who like the taste of coffee, to ensure the next generation have significantly improved olfactory systems. Unfortunately, there might be moral issues. That's another great plan out of the window.


  1. If all the coffee shops shut down simultaneously, we might have another world war - and I might start it. If I can find the energy.

  2. We would indeed. It would be the clash of the decaffeinated zombies!

  3. I'm not much of a coffee drinker. But I love my tea. Not for the caffeine high, but just for the great taste. Typically, I drink nothing but bottled water throughout my day. I love the smell of fresh brewed coffee, but that taste never seems to live up to it's aroma.

  4. Tea is quite nice, but my cups get cold often as I forget about them, and cold tea is not that nice. Thanks for reading!

  5. haha this is pretty funny! I'm not really a coffee drinker & I don't drink caffeine on a regular basis. If I want to treat myself to something I will go get a white mocha frapp at Starubucks, but that's about it.


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