Monday, 14 February 2011

Feline Fury

Peering right into your soul...

Humans are boring. We’re just strangely shaped lumps of flesh, bone and hair waddling to and fro from work to home and back again and complaining about how annoyed we are at everything. I'm a living example, a prize specimen. You probably know some examples as well. I’m pushing the boat out here, suggesting that you to may be a member of the monotonous species that we call humans.

That’s why some humanoids have pets, as the company of other humans is simply not good enough for them. They’ve reached the peak of the social hierarchy and mixing with other humans will only ruin their reputation. When reality hits them like a tonne of bricks, they realise that their pet is just a substitute for their abysmal failure at socialising with their own species. They’ve had to move down the species ladder in order to find a friend. It’s depressing and sad, but it’s the truth.

One of the most popular animals to have as a friend substitute/pet is a cat. I don’t particularly like cats, especially the way they strut around like royalty, treating the owner’s less than extravagant home as their palace. Cocking their head up as they parade around their stronghold, they exude an incredibly arrogant demeanor, treating us humans as peasants and scum, just waiting for their next bowl of milk before they wander off into the night.

Cats at night really freak me out. And they're not particularly charming during the day either. You walk past them and suddenly they become alert and aware of your presence. They immediately stop moving, and begin the ice cold stare, in an attempt to bring you down by the power of their forceful feline thoughts. As you walk past with trepidation, the cat’s body remains still, but they eyes follow you like a security camera, trying to catch your every move. Like a Bond villain, they’re getting to know your routine so they can strike and knock you out when the time is right. The stare is there to fill you with anxiety and unease, so you never cross their path again.

But cats aren’t the only stupid pets. Goldfish rank pretty highly on my list of ‘Animals I Dislike’, simply due to the fact that they’re even more boring than a rock collection. They amble around in the water, bumping into each other like commuters during rush hour. But it’s just mind-numbingly slow and tedious. The only exciting part of owning fish is tapping on the glass to see how they’ll respond or fishing them out when they bite the metaphorical dust. They’re just stupid animals.

Another stupid aspect of pet ownership is what you have to do with them when you’re going away for a while. You can’t just power them down and unplug them like a TV; you have to make sure they’re still alive when you come back. And you can’t take a cat out on holiday and let it sunbathe with you on the beach. Instead, you have to force the ball of fur and annoyance on a naive and innocent friend, letting them feel the wrath of the pet. It’s unfair.

I don’t really see the point of pets to be honest. They’re just another hassle in life, trying to remember to feed them, taking them out for walks and taking them to the vets to make sure they don’t die from some horrible animal illness. It’s just another pointless extra annoyance in your life that you can’t just neglect when it inevitably begins to irritate you. These stupid animals are one of my pet hates, if you’ll pardon the pun.


  1. I agree regarding the goldfish - but who doesn't love a kitty to snuggle with!?

  2. They're fun to cuddle, but so are cushions. And cushions don't stare at you.

  3. Hey come on, I have a Labrador and a Persian kitten.
    Well yes, I love to be the highest mammal in the totem pole. And they serve me well as master. Cheaper than humanoids with a knack for sentimentality. hah!

  4. I choose an 'arrogant' cat anytime over a cynical super arrogant creature


And the verdict is...